Shatter, Scatter, Hate (12)
Life, I learned, is about overcoming dissonance.
Ideal and reality.
The two words had different pronunciations and sounds, so their meanings were bound to be different.
A child who feeds on dreams cannot satisfy their hunger.
An adult who drinks rationality cannot quench their thirst.
That's why people live their lives measuring the distance between the two.
What we desire.
What we must give up.
The time we spend precariously dancing on the boundary between the two.
We call it life.
It was the same for me.
I wished for something and gave up something else.
The slightly tragic part was...
The dissonance between them was too great.
-Will you really... make it happen...?
My ideal was happiness.
I wanted to break the chain of sorrow that continued endlessly.
I wanted to escape from the nightmares that killed me every day, and walk towards a bright smile.
But.
-Why... Why do you hate me so much...?
My reality was misery.
I had lived a life of sorrow like a shower of arrows, leaving no room on my target for happiness to land.
To draw the bowstring, I had to unload the sorrow.
So I lived as Raiden.
I believed that if I chipped away at the misery others had piled up, one day, my world would also see a dawn bright enough for the sun to rise.
-...Wouldn't it be enough for me to be just an extra in a peaceful village?
That's right.
I gave up happiness for happiness.
It was a terrible paradox.
And I realized it too late.
Because I had dreamed with such fierce effort, it was already too late to turn back.
-I'm tired now... I can't do this anymore...
I couldn't overcome the dissonance.
I couldn't achieve life.
In the end, I crumbled.
***
The knot of the rope tightens brutally around my neck.
"Gah...!"
The way of the world drags down my hanging head roughly.
My vision blurs as my breath grows fainter, painting the world in a haze.
"Ugh... Hack...!"
Only fragments of exhaled breaths, unable to form into proper breaths, escape from between my lips.
The intermittent, agonizing moans pierce my ears sickeningly.
'...How did it come to this?'
A fleeting monologue in my fading consciousness.
For some reason, tears stream down my face, further blurring my vision.
-I know you've always wished for a happy life.
-This system can fulfill that wish of yours.
Thinking back, I shouldn't have accepted the offer back then.
Instead of reaching out for the opportunity presented before me, I should have just broken my own neck.
-Please.
-Whether it's three years or four years... Please give me a chance.
Blinded by false hope.
I chose a foolish ideal and ended up standing before a shattered desire.
'...Right, it was all my fault from the beginning.'
Born with misery in my very being.
I dared to wish for happiness that was beyond my reach.
Perhaps I was now paying the price for my arrogance.
The contract I made with the system had sunk into a wave of unhappiness.
The word "hope," which I had scribbled on my heart as I began my second life, had transformed into a shard of pain, composed of three consonants and two vowels.
"Kuh...! Ugh...!"
It hurts, it's agonizing.
The traces of loneliness from my past life still lingered by my side.
Desperate to escape from those dreadful old days, I struggled even harder, my legs dangling in the air.
"......"
But no matter how much time passed.
My breath didn't stop.
My lungs continued their pathetic breathing.
My heart kept beating steadily.
It was only natural.
A body strengthened by mana wouldn't succumb to death just from hanging.
However, the reason I continued to hang there, even though I knew this...
...was because I truly, desperately wished for this meager breath to end.
I yearned for the endless cycle of misery and the chain of sorrow to finally come to an end.
"Ugh...! Hack...!"
Let me die.
I want to die.
No, I need to die.
This was my last chance.
A chance to end it all and vanish into a peaceful oblivion, freer than anyone else.
My ideal was happiness.
My reality was misery.
In this reality where my ideal had vanished, there was nothing left that could be called life.
So let me die.
Horribly, wretchedly, disgracefully.
"......"
This was the predetermined ending from the very beginning.
Just like the last sentence in children's fairy tales, where the protagonists always lived happily ever after.
My fairy tale was simply meant to have a tragic ending.
I wasn't sad at all.
Death, that was the peace I wanted to give myself.
'Yes ...This is enough. If I can just end it like this...'
With a wave of resignation, just as I was about to close my eyes...
I heard a commotion outside the door, and soon, the closed door burst open with a loud bang.
-BAM!
"Young master! Are you alright?!"
"Brother! Are you okay?! I suddenly heard a groan..."
The children rushed into my sight.
The faithful maid with brown hair.
My adorable little sister with red hair.
The golden-haired young man whom I respected immensely.
And lastly, my former fiancée with silver hair, who once harbored feelings of guilt towards me.
People who should no longer matter to me.
The girls, who had been wearing urgent expressions, turned pale upon seeing me.
"Rai... den...?"
In my hazy vision...
I saw their eyes trembling madly.
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When was this hiatus announced, recently or back when you tled ch 96?
ReplyDeleteRecently, on 27th June.
DeleteI see, thanks for replying and for the information :)
Delete