Heat flower (7)
"Gi-gilbert... Th-thank you..."
"Haha... It's been a while since I've seen you cry, Young Master."
Raiden wiped his eyes continuously as he sniffled.
Gilbert patted the boy's shoulder with a gentle smile.
Steiner, who had been watching the heartwarming scene, quietly emptied his glass.
He lost himself in thought for a moment, the bitter taste lingering in his mouth, and let out a sigh laced with alcohol.
"Ha..."
Steiner clenched his empty glass tightly and chewed on his lip.
His mind, slightly clouded by the alcohol, was a whirlwind of complicated emotions and thoughts, all centered around his son.
-You both knew, didn't you? That I was putting on an act...
-Don't look at me like that. I know I was foolish.
-It's just... back then, I wasn't thinking straight...
The stories Raiden had told were dark and painful.
Stories of the days he had been tormented by guilt and compulsions, forcing himself into a prison of solitude.
A heavy sense of helplessness washed over Steiner as he listened.
"......"
What could he possibly say?
What words of comfort could he, as a father, offer to his son who was hurting so deeply?
No matter how hard he racked his brain, no suitable answer came to mind.
Unable to speak, Steiner hesitated, his gaze flickering towards Raiden.
"Ugh... Hicc... Uh..."
"There, there, Young Master. Please, stop crying now. You'll wear yourself out."
"I'm trying... but I can't stop..."
Raiden's face was streaked with tears.
Each glistening track that ran down his cheeks was like a searing brand on Steiner's heart.
He wanted to offer words of comfort, just like Gilbert.
He wanted to hold his crying son and tell him everything would be alright.
But his mind remained blank, his tongue tied in knots.
'Don't cry. Everything will be fine. There's no need to worry.'
Why were such simple words so difficult to utter?
Steiner groaned inwardly, frustration welling up inside him. He sought solace in the memory of his departed wife.
'...Phillipa.'
He murmured her name silently, a name etched with longing and regret.
A bittersweet smile touched his lips as he recalled her fiery red hair, a sight he would never behold again.
Phillipa.
If only you were here.
Unlike him, so emotionally stunted and awkward, you were always so loving and affectionate.
You wouldn't have hesitated for a second.
You would have embraced our son without a moment's thought, offering him the comfort he so desperately craved.
'You were what they needed... not me...'
Steiner took another gulp of his drink, the bitter liquid doing little to quench the thirst of his grief.
With every sip, the weight on his shoulders grew heavier, threatening to crush him.
As he grimaced, a familiar voice echoed in his mind, a voice he had tried so hard to forget.
-I told you, Shten. You tend to overthink things when it comes to the children.
-No matter how awkward you feel... you can't let them feel distant from you.
-So, um... What I mean is, don't overcomplicate things when dealing with the children.
-Sometimes, all they need is your unadulterated sincerity.
"......"
Phillipa's advice.
Steiner pondered her words, his fingers tracing the rim of his glass.
'Unadulterated sincerity.'
The meaning was clear.
Instead of agonizing over what to say, he simply had to show his true feelings.
Phillipa had always said that.
That he should approach their children with his heart, not his head.
'But...'
But was that really enough?
What if his clumsy attempts at expressing his love only ended up hurting them further?
What if...
-Just try. Don't let fear hold you back.
-It's better to do something, anything, than to stand by and watch them suffer in silence.
You're right... as always.
Hesitation wouldn't solve anything.
He had to be strong, to face his sons with an open heart, just like she had said.
"Raiden."
Steiner broke the silence, his voice firm with resolve.
"Hicc... Y-yes, Father...?"
Raiden looked up, his eyes still glistening with tears.
Steiner met his gaze and attempted a smile, his lips twitching awkwardly.
"Father...?"
"Listen carefully, Raiden."
Steiner took a deep breath and began to speak, his voice thick with emotion.
He poured out the words he had kept bottled up for so long, the words of a father finally finding their voice.
"Don't be so hard on yourself."
I'm sorry, Phillipa.
I'm not eloquent like you. I don't know if I can do this right.
But I'll try my best.
For our children, so they can find peace and rise above their despair.
"Phillipa and I... we were so happy when you were born."
"......"
"Truly, it was as if we had been blessed with the entire world. You could never imagine the joy we felt."
He wasn't sure if his clumsy words could heal his son's wounds, but perhaps they could at least wipe away the tears and dust off the dirt.
"And it never faded. Every day with you was a dream come true."
"......"
"Back then, you and Ariel... you were our whole world."
Raiden, and Ariel.
He would always carry the guilt of being such a stoic and distant father to them.
"......And that hasn't changed."
"......"
"You asked me earlier... if I hated you, if I resented you for the way you acted."
Being a father was a new experience for him.
He was clumsy and awkward, but if his children were drowning in darkness, he would always be there to offer them a hand.
Because...
"Disappointed? Perhaps. But hate you? Never. I have always loved you, Raiden."
Because he was their father.
Steiner felt a lump forming in his throat, threatening to choke him.
"You have nothing to apologize for. If anything, it's I who should be begging for your forgiveness."
After Phillipa's passing, his children had been left to face a cruel and unforgiving world.
And yet, he hadn't been there for them.
He had allowed his grief and anger to consume him, relentlessly chasing after the very people who had taken her away.
"It's all my fault, every bit of it."
How lonely they must have felt.
He hadn't been there to offer them comfort or reassurance when they needed it most when they were struggling with the loss of their mother and the torment of their own minds.
By the time he had come to his senses, it was already too late.
The warmth, the light, the gentleness... it had all been extinguished from their eyes.
"There hasn't been a single day where I haven't regretted my actions."
If only he had been there for them, a source of strength and solace...
"If only things had been different... That's all I could think about, night after night."
Steiner stood up from his chair.
With trembling legs, he took a step towards Raiden, his arms outstretched.
"Please... If you must blame someone, blame this good-for-nothing father of yours."
Tears streamed down his face, blurring his vision.
Steiner cried.
And so did Raiden.
Tears flowed freely, a torrent of emotions washing over them as they clung to each other.
Raiden, who had been trembling in his seat, slowly raised his arms and returned his father's embrace.
The boy melted into his father's warmth.
"Father...!"
A choked sob escaped his lips.
It was a single, heart-wrenching bloom of heat flower, signaling the unraveling of years of pent-up pain and sorrow.
***
-Back then, you and Ariel... you were our whole world.
-I have always loved you, Raiden.
-Please... If you must blame someone, blame this good-for-nothing father of yours.
My father's words, filled with raw emotion, unleashed a fresh wave of tears.
It had been so long since I had heard the word 'love' directed at me, especially from him.
His words, though simple and straightforward, were my salvation.
For years, I had been haunted by a single, terrifying thought.
Would my father ever... resent me for surviving at the cost of my mother's life?
I had been living under the shadow of that fear.
But now, my father had single-handedly dispelled that darkness.
He had reassured me, and quieted the anxious whispers that threatened to consume me.
I buried my face in his chest, letting out a sob that seemed to encompass all the pain and sorrow I had kept bottled up for so long.
My father simply held me, his hand rubbing soothing circles on my back.
Gilbert watched us with a soft smile on his face, quietly refilling our empty glasses.
"Haha... I do hope you're not overdoing it with the drinks, you two."
"Mmm... Gilbert, my friend, surely you can forgive a little indulgence... on such a momentous occasion..."
"Gil- Gilbert... Thank you... F-father too..."
We continued drinking for hours, our conversation flowing as freely as the alcohol.
It wasn't until we were thoroughly intoxicated that we finally decided to call it a night.
My father, overcome with emotion and a bit too much to drink, had to be helped back to his study by Gilbert.
I, too, stumbled towards my room.
-Thump... Thump...
My uneven footsteps echoed through the darkened hallway.
I walked slowly, my eyes taking in the familiar surroundings of the mansion bathed in the soft glow of the moonlight.
It was still nighttime.
The grandfather clock in the middle of the hallway, which had read 1 a.m. when I left my room, now showed 5 a.m.
I rubbed my eyes, trying to clear the lingering haze of alcohol, and let out a shaky breath.
"We certainly stayed up late..."
Perhaps it was thanks to my father and Gilbert, but my steps, which had felt heavy and sluggish earlier, now held a newfound lightness.
For the first time in what felt like forever, I felt a flicker of hope, a desire to step out of my self-imposed confinement and embrace the world outside.
"I'll... think about it after I wake up..."
-Click, creak...
I unbuttoned my shirt, too exhausted to even think about changing into my sleepwear, and collapsed onto my bed.
I snuggled into the soft pillow, pulling it close to my chest as I closed my eyes.
The familiar scent of peaches, a comforting warmth radiating from the pillow, lulled me into a peaceful slumber.
For the first time in what felt like an eternity, I knew I wouldn't be haunted by nightmares.
It was a quiet, peaceful night.
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ig the depressing arc ends soon
ReplyDeleteDid bro conveniently forget Rachel is sleeping in that bed? Or am I coping too much, and she's long gone.
ReplyDeleteNah,he definitely forget about her,idt a pillow can hold a sweet/nice smell for hours long
DeleteBecause I want to save up on the "Spring Flowers", I'll say I've caught up.
ReplyDeleteTime will heal all wounds, but a deep wound will always leave a scar. His dissonance to "Raiden's" memories and self-realization contributed to destroy the thick wall of self-doubt (not self-loathing, he still has plenty of that).
As someone who had and still experience relapses myself, good luck Raiden/Naru. Just remember to let go of things, but not your life; it's the very thing that makes you able to amend things.
I really enjoy this emotional writing, in a weird way, I feel at ease myself, this chapter brought emotions out for me too, amazing story
ReplyDeleteFinally some warm comments, very tiring to read those chapter after chapter "mc has no balls, constant sadness is getting on nerves, glorified depression and suicide" BS.
ReplyDelete