Heat flower (4)
Perhaps it was a habit ingrained in my body.
While I was momentarily distracted by the surrounding scenery, my feet had instinctively led me to Mother's study.
I stood there for a moment, staring blankly at the closed study door.
[Philli's library]
"..."
The silver nameplate, heavily etched with the passage of time, seemed to prove the bygone era.
The golden letters engraved on it sent a strange tremor through me.
I quietly reached out and caressed the nameplate.
-Run, Raiden!!
-I'm sorry... my... child...
Fleeting memories of the past pierced through my hardened heart.
As an unknown emotion welled up inside me, I bit my lip hard and my body trembled.
My hesitant hand reached for the doorknob.
The word "Deathweed" had already vanished from my mind.
Forgetting the original purpose for which I had come out, I slowly opened the study door.
-Click, creak...
With the light sound of the hinges, the door opened, revealing rows of old bookshelves.
I stood frozen for a moment, then came to my senses and stepped inside.
"...Nothing has changed."
Including my time as Naru, it had been almost 24 years since I last stepped foot in Mother's study.
I walked between the tall bookshelves, reminiscing about past memories.
Even though three long years had passed since Mother's death, the study remained largely unchanged.
Perhaps Father and the mansion staff had been maintaining it all this time.
I quietly took in the fragments of the past.
The desk where Mother used to do her paperwork.
The chair by the window where she would occasionally sit and enjoy her tea.
The old sofa where she would read us fairy tales whenever Ariel and I visited.
And the portrait of our family, hanging on the central wall, at which she always smiled warmly...
Traces of Mother lingered everywhere in this study.
Every single object in this aged space reminded me of her.
An image of Mother flickered before my eyes, her red hair cascading down as she graced me with a gentle smile.
A wave of dizziness hit me, and I swayed on my feet.
"Ugh..."
A soft groan escaped my lips, disturbing the silence of the study.
The headache I had forgotten about for a while seemed to be returning, but I didn't stop walking.
As I steadied my blurry vision and continued walking, I reached the end of the long study.
Finally, I stopped and stood still.
I turned my head slightly and looked at the bookshelf at the very end of the study.
"...It should be around here somewhere."
With a small murmur, I reached for the bookshelf.
Three shelves from the top, four from the left, the last book among seven lined up there.
I pulled it out and carefully dusted it off.
In my hand was a faded leather-bound notebook.
A thick, worn-out leather notebook that seemed to have weathered countless years.
{A Motherly Note}
(A Mother's Diary)
I gently traced the title embossed on the cover.
A Mother's Diary, as its name suggested... was a parenting diary that Mother had diligently kept from the day I, her firstborn, was born until the day before she passed away.
Whenever night fell and the searing longing kept me awake, I would quietly come to the study and read this notebook.
Reading it made me feel as if my deceased mother was sitting right next to me, which brought me a sliver of comfort.
"..."
I hesitated for a moment, then took a shallow breath and opened the notebook.
Rustle. The pages turned with a soft sound.
Familiar sentences, written on yellowed paper, came into view.
[Imperial Calendar 632, March 28th]
I have finally become a 'mother.'
My first child with him, the one I had been longing for, has been born.
Childbirth brought far greater pain than I had anticipated.
But it also brought me happiness that overshadowed all the pain.
His black eyes, just like his father's, his handsome face, his cute, beaming smile...
I still can't believe that this innocent life came from my womb.
Perhaps I need a little more time to accept this reality.
After much discussion with him, we decided to name our child 'Raiden.'
It is derived from the ancient word 'Lyo Ru,' meaning 'miracle child.'
I thought it was the perfect name for a child who came to us like a miracle.
To think that what I had only imagined in my dreams has come true in reality.
I'm almost worried that I might be overwhelmed by this overflowing happiness.
I'm sure he feels the same way.
He's been wearing an uncharacteristically goofy grin all day long.
My little love, descended from heaven like a miracle.
May our path ahead be filled with happiness and joy.
[1st Entry, End]
"..."
After reading the first entry, I paused, my fingers clutching the page.
Tears fell, splattering onto the old notebook.
I repeatedly wiped my eyes with my hand and reached to turn the page.
[Imperial Calendar 632, March 29th]
This morning, I breastfed Raiden for the first time.
He seems to know I'm his mother, because every time our eyes meet, he gives me the cutest, brightest smile...
[Imperial Calendar 633, October 23rd]
Today, Raiden said 'Mama' for the first time.
I couldn't hold back the tears of joy welling up inside me.
He seemed a little disappointed that he didn't say 'Papa' first...
[Imperial Calendar 634, March 13th]
Raiden took his first steps!
He toddled around, exploring the room...
[Imperial Calendar 633, September 18th]
My second child was born.
We decided to name her 'Ariel'...
"Ugh..."
Mother's stories continued for dozens, hundreds of pages.
Stories of Ariel and me growing up day by day.
And the emotions Mother felt as she watched over us.
Joy, happiness, ecstasy...
And love, love, love.
Most of the stories in the old notebook were about Ariel and me.
And those records reminded me of how much Mother loved us.
As I turned the pages, my vision blurred more and more, and I had to wipe my eyes countless times.
The hot tears that streamed down left a burning mark on my heart.
My hand, having traversed through countless stories, finally reached the last page of the notebook.
"..."
This page held no written entries.
Instead, a small magic formula was printed on it.
A faint, blue magic formula.
I gently traced it with my finger and channeled a bit of mana into the paper.
The illustration on the page shimmered, and a faint light flickered as it released the stored magic.
《Chirp... Chirp...》
《My children... I love you both, always.》
《Whenever the world pushes you away, whenever sadness weighs you down, remember this.》
《Remember that Mom is always by your side...》
It was a type of recording magic.
Mother's voice, recorded on the last page of the notebook right after Ariel was born.
Her nostalgic voice, as if whispering in my ear, finally shattered the dam holding back my tears.
"Mother..."
The emotions I had been desperately suppressing came pouring out.
I hugged Mother's notebook tightly.
The boy's voice, choked with grief, pleaded with someone who wasn't there.
Oh, Mother.
My beloved Mother.
You loved us so much, so why did you leave us?
You promised to always be by our side, so why aren't you here to hold me as I cry?
Why did you... sacrifice yourself to save me that day?
"Why..."
I've regretted it countless times since you passed away.
That it should have been me, not you, who died that day.
That everything would have been better if you had survived, not me...
"Ugh..."
Why am I such a failure?
I hurt the people I love, and I destroyed the love I should have received with my own hands.
So many people were hurt because of my foolishness.
In my past life, and in this life... I've always been a mess.
How am I supposed to go on living now?
Carrying the weight of guilt, loneliness, and longing...
Am I doomed to live every day tormented by the wounds of my past life?
I miss you, Mother.
I miss the old days.
The memory of those unbroken times haunts me every night, stealing my sleep.
I spend all day lost in a haze of smoke, desperate to escape from reality.
How can I turn back time?
How can I find the strength to go on living?
Please, just tell me...
"Mother... Mother..."
I cried for a long time, staring into the empty air that held no answers.
Until, exhausted from crying, I finally lost consciousness, clutching Mother's notebook tightly to my chest, searching for the mother who was no longer there.
***
Morning arrived at the mansion.
Raiden was asleep, leaning against a corner of the study.
Perhaps he had cried himself to sleep, for faint tearstains were still visible on his face.
"Young Master... why are you sleeping here...?"
A brown-haired girl was gazing down at Raiden. She gently reached out and wiped the tears from his eyes.
Her touch was soft and warm, careful not to wake him from his exhausted slumber.
She gently lifted Raiden's body, which was leaning against the bookshelf, and laid him down on her lap.
She brushed his messy bangs aside and pressed her lips to his forehead.
-Kiss...
"Sleep well... Young Master..."
The girl whispered softly.
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redemption, raiden deserves to be loved, and so do you
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